If this was a real virus I would actively send it to everyone I know.

My shoes don’t do anything exciting. They assume that protecting my feet from the elements is sufficient, but they could also be making phone calls, transporting me to space, or doing my taxes. Screw you, shoes. I know you are reading this.

Sometimes I forget why I got into the pimping business.

Oh, you’re a wizard Harry! Now that you know that, we’re going to sweep you away to a secret magical land where serious illnesses can be healed with the wave of a hand, fires can be extinguished by uttering a few words, and travel can be instantaneous! Isn’t that grand? But remember! You musn’t tell the non-magical people, who have had to work their fingers to the bone and stretch the limits of their knowledge to accomplish things that don’t even come close. Share this magic? Ha! Fuck the rest of the world.

I’ve never wished any of my toys were alive. They have seen some serious shit.